Self help gone wrong

In the realm of the Google gods, everyone can help themselves. You can google your symptoms, and be given a cure! Yippee!

But…

But what happens when our mind isn’t programmed that way? What happens when we can’t just write down “positive aspects” of our lives to overcome the darkness? What happens when googled answers don’t fix the problem?

We recluse. We hide. We find any way to turn in on ourselves cause we get past the point of asking for help. And the internet is helping. Before we would’ve been forced to talk to someone, anyone. See a doctor, talk to your friend, a dog, a plant, something. Now we talk to no one. We internalize everything and let it destroy us from the inside out. All to fill this precipice that “we’re strong and capable” when really I think half of us are the blind leading the blind.

We tell ourselves “we should be like Suzy, she’s so positive and happy” then a few months or years go by, and Suzy kills herself. No one saw it coming, cause Suzy looked so happy.

Why do we all play these parts, instead of playing ourselves? Why do we give in to society’s standards of what we should be, when who we are behind the bullshit is so much more interesting and lovable?

But can we see for ourselves what is interesting and loveable about ourselves? Or do we constantly have to have it mirrored back to us, told to us by peers or tv or social media. When someone comments “so beautiful” are they saying that cause of how you look or because of who you are?

Does anyone really know who you are?

And who’s to blame for that, us or them? Have we shown the world our true selves? Or are we too scared for fear of rejection?

I wish I had the answers for you all, but I don’t, I too sit in the shade more often than not, I don’t see the glass “half full or half empty” I see “we’re gonna fucking die of dehydration soon.”

I wish I could wave a wand and rid the world of mental illness, cancer, hell any malady that keeps you from your full potential.

But to those who walk in the shadows, no matter where you are. You’re not alone.

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What’s your labour story?

In honour of Mother’s Day (North America) I wanted to ask all the ladies in my network, “what is your labour story??”

For many of us it’s time spent in our very own personal torture chamber filled with horrors and crazy stories, but one thing comes out… life. There are no words for how beautiful and epic that moment is…

Anyway… here’s my labour story

(Backstory- some of you may remember I have PCOS, a condition so severe in my case, I was told I’d never have children. Even after conceiving, I was scared by health care professionals, told I would miscarry, so on… but I made it all the way to 39 weeks 5 days before…)

September 14, 2016: approx 9pm

I began having, what I can describe as “lightning stabbing” pains in my crotch (which I would later learn was lightening of the cervix) I texted my mum and she said,


They went away shortly after messaging my mum, so I went to bed. I woke up the next morning at 2am ish desperate to pee. I went. But as I came back it felt like I was dribbling pee down my leg so I ran back to the toilet and pushed and more came out (I thought “wow that’s a lot of pee”) went to lie back down in bed, the second I lied down it felt like I peed again, except this time with no effort at all.

My waters had broken, I knew it. My boyfriend was already on edge so he shot out of bed and got to grabbing things and we raced out the door. On the way there the fluid just kept coming out, it was so uncomfortable, like you’re peeing yourself a little every 30seconds, but it’s not pee, it’s the fluid your child has lived in…

I got to the hospital and the nurses joked about how it’s a full moon and it’s gonna get busy in there. They waited for the doctor to assess me before proceeding with the induction. (I was group b strep positive so upon waters breaking I needed antibiotics and induction to “slow” labour to ensure I had enough antibiotics in my system. When the doctor arrived she pressed her speculum to my cervix and a massive gush of water went everywhere. She said “yup! That’s amniotic fluid, you’re not going anywhere little lady you’re having a baby today!”

And then it sunk in, I mean really sunk in, I was going into labour, and it was gonna hurt. I got sort of panicked, but was a bit relieved when they said “we can’t induce you til shift change so why not go grab something to eat.” So down we went in the elevator, my man, my mum, and me. Suddenly the alarms started going off in the elevator, and my anxiety took off like a freight train “Oh god I’m gonna give birth in an elevator! Oh god my bfs probably gonna see me crap myself! Oh god no!”

Turns out my mum was leaning against the alarm button… False alarm…. thanks Mum

Made it to the cafeteria in one piece, the hospital food tasted like crap but it was nice to have a minute to contemplate my fate before taking the plunge in the birthing room. Once I had my breakfast they had me pack up our stuff and head over to the labour room. It was a decent size with a big window, and a Winnie the Pooh decal on the wall that said,

“Sometimes the smallest things take up the biggest room in your heart.”

They began my induction and at first I barely felt the contractions, this was approximately 7:30am sept 15. They were at first similar to a period cramp, but not quite. As the drip progressed I still hadn’t dilated. An OBGYN who saw me at 3months said because I had a LEEP procedure on my cervix I would need to be manually dilated. No one listened to me though. What did I know? I was a new mom in labour. When the drip hit 11ml I started asking for help. The pain was awful, like my insides were tearing out. They gave me the gas which only made me vomit more and more. I barfed the entire labour FYI. Within a few hours I was maxed out on the drip, By that time it was at 20ml and I was begging for an epidural. They gave me a choice: “fentanyl, a hot shower (there’s no way I could stand with that pain) or epidural, I chose door 3, epidural, please.

But it didn’t quite work.

My right side went completely dead I could flex my toes but not feel them and they felt like they weighed 30lbs. My left side felt like I was rupturing cysts over and over again. It was agony. I had become so sick from the meds that I began to wretch so hard it was incredibly painful. They started me on gravol. Then topped up the epidural. Things started to level out but by that point I had been maxed out on the drop for a few hours. The pain started to radiate through the epidural so they topped that up again and had to give me something else for nausea cause I was throwing up every 5 mins.

finally, after being maxed out for 6 hours the new OBGYN on shift said “she’s had a LEEP procedure and needs to be manually dilated” and I watched as she wrenched my vagina open with her hands, like she was birthing a baby cow. Thank fuck the epidural had kicked in by then cause I certainly wouldn’t want to feel that.

By 7pm (45mins after she dilated me) I was 9cm dilated. Did i mention it was a teaching hospital? When the time came to push, i must’ve had 15 ppl all watching my vagina… great.

i remember the doctor yelling “look at all that hair!”) they told my mum to count for the time I had to hold my breath and push, and I remember she got so excited she forgot to count and mid push I yelled

“MUM!!! COUNT!!”

“Oh shit sorry caz 1…2…3…”

it took 40mins if pushing and our little girl was out. I remember it felt like an eternity until she cried. I heard the doctor say “come on baby, come on now, breathe, breathe.” I was terrified I wouldn’t hear her cry… but she did. They placed her on my chest and immediately she silenced, and snuggled up to me. I cried my eyes out. It was the most beautiful, the most life changing moment. I’ll never forget it.

I suffered third degree tears, separated pelvis, it was rough (and don’t get me started on trying to go to the bathroom after!) went through 6 months of colic after that, not sleeping for more than 3hrs a night, To teething, to growth spurts, you name it. But she’s almost 2 and we’ve made it this far, I’m so excited to see where we go from here.

So mamas, I’m askin ya to up your stories, what happened to you in that chamber of birth? Did you suffer? Did you triumph? What went down? Fill me in! Today is YOUR DAY! You earned it! Happy Mother’s Day ladies!!!

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Who gives a shit?

It seems everything we do now, we do to please the masses. The hoards of Facebook “friends” that don’t really know us from a hole in the wall, the random contacts you picked up along the way, these people are whom are draining our attention span, taking our energy.

And we’re letting them

When was the last time you walked alone, in the wilderness, and heard nothing but nature?

No cars, no music, no cell phones, just existed and was one with your mind?

When was the last time you decided to enjoy time with your child and not actually record it or photograph it for all to see? But rather, just enjoyed the moment for what it was, and watched it through your own eyes and not that of a screen?

Our world is becoming run by robotics and we are being programmed along with them. Capitalism seems to be failing the earth and only helping those at the top of the food chain. People below are struggling because they’re constantly fed images of lifestyles that are typically unattainable in today’s world.

So what do you do to stop the madness?

FOCUS ON YOU

DO YOU

Stop scrolling Facebook and Instagram and getting mad or jealous of what you see. Why aren’t you doing what makes you happy? What made you happy before social media TOLD u what makes you happy?

I fear kids today may not find their authentic selves in amongst the hustle and bustle and technology canon fodder constantly fired at them. I urge you to take your kids away from it, even if only for a day. Teach them to find themselves and the earth, teach them to connect.

I fear we are losing the beautiful world we once knew. And the precious, innocent minds along with it.

Take away the iPads. Turn off ur phones. And spend some time with you and or your family. Remember who you are without technology.

There may come a day where it all goes to hell… and then what?

Photo by Andre Goulet

Hair and makeup Tara smith

Dress: Guess

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Mommy’s tired 

Every mom I know, is tired. Soooo fucking tired. I haven’t had a night off in 406 days and counting.  I’m sorry to all the people who don’t have kids that get offended when we glare at them when they whine about being tired… cause it’s not the same, no matter how you put it. Most single, childless people, are tired because of THEIR OWN CHOICE. Be it work, love life, social life, hobbies, (unless they suffer from mental illness but even then they have chances to get at least some rest) I remember those days, and sure I was tired, or at least I thought I was…

Moms… full time moms… we’re on the brink of insanity. If not already over the edge. We run on minimal sleep, I’m talking like sleep deprivation at Guantanamo Bay, (have you ever had a colicky baby?) been held from sleep against your will? That’s what having children is like. Moms plan EVERYTHING for the household : meals, chores, stock inventory, taxi kids to school and back, taxi them to extracurricular activities and back, keep the animals alive, keep the kids from hurting themselves (which for me seems to be a daily chore) and no I don’t mean they’re suicidal at all, I mean they’re kids, 14 months and 7yrs old, they don’t think of consequences they just act, especially the toddler, who daily tries to dive head first off the couch. And every time I catch her and I feel my heart rate soar through the roof. 

Somewhere, in among the mess you’re supposed to look after yourself. When really my idea of looking after myself is sitting by myself outside in abject silence for an hour and then coming inside, stuffing my face with peanut butter on toast and watching Greys Anatomy while drinking a cup of tea, by myself. (Sometimes when I have the energy I make it to the gym before doing the above, but if I’m exhausted, well hell thats my night.)

(Notice how many times i said “by myself” lol)

What should I be doing? Moisturizing, saving for school, planning things for our future, probably some yoga and meditation, but I just don’t have it in me to give that much back to myself or the world yet. I wish I did. I’ll get into why that’s an issue for me in my next post.

Anyway, my point is, when u think a stay at home mom does nothing all day, you’re wrong. And we’re tired. We don’t have a boss we can call and say we don’t feel well we’re not coming in. We can’t really have someone cover for us (it’ll work for a few hours but then they always want mommy back). We’re on call 24/7,we don’t sleep in, we don’t get holidays, and we don’t get any job incentives except the beauty of watching our children grow, which granted is an inexplicable experience that I am so honoured for! But sometimes I wish this job had Christmas parties, co workers, bonuses, I know at the end of the day my sacrifice is what is best for my children, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I can’t wait until the baby is old enough for school and mommy can start to have herself back again.

And ya I’m an asshole for saying that 

And I’m a mom for saying that ^^^

(Why do we feel guilty the second we think about what we want!? Lol. #momproblems) 

Edit: from my Facebook post comment: “And to the moms who do go to work full time, u ladies r soldiers, especially the ones with the little ones. In my next post I’ll explain why I’m not quite ready to join back to the work force, but u ladies are amazing, and deserve an extra large latte delivered to ur office daily, with flowers”

Well done ladies, well done 

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Mommy’s fabulous morning off 

When you’re a full time mom, there isn’t much time you get to yourself. You go days without washing your hair, forget to moisturize, forget to eat, needless to say you start to put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own. So when my stylist messaged me saying he had an opening at The Cutting Room Floor I was all for it. I made sure my man could watch the kids and I raced out the door to downtown to get my hair done. I met Jason at his new salon and I loved it there! It’s a quaint location in Kensington close to Chicken on the way and next door to Bombay Beauty Loft. 

-Let me tell you a bit about Jason. He recently returned from Shanghai, China, where he was invited to be a featured stylist at the International Hair Fair. He competed in the extension contest and came 16th out of 160 participants. He was named an “upcoming force in the hair industry.”

Considering I only have limited time away from the baby we got right to styling my hair. My roots had grown out quite a bit, but all in all there wasn’t much damage considering my hair is in a mom bun 24/7 now lol. 

He used these products to wash and style my hair 


I can’t rave on enough about how amazing my hair felt after these treatments. The Kevin Murphy shampoo and conditioner make my hair feel soft and sooooo lightweight! (My hair is heavy as hell so that’s a HUGE bonus to me) it shined and was super easy to style. Everyone has been complimenting my colour, it’s absolutely flawless.


Make your appointment at the Cutting Room Floor with Jason Mellor and get great hair today! You deserve it!!!!! 

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I am Mommy, hear me roar!

I’m back bitches!!!!! Finally, after a year of having no voice, nothing to say, here I am. Overflowing with things I’d like to share with you. 

I feel like I’ve been held captive by a smaller version of myself for an entire year, and while I’m technically still her captive and will more than likely remain her slave until she’s… what  35?,  it seems I’ve found my voice again. So thank you for waiting while I wade in a sea of baby shit, tears, screams, baby food thrown at me, cleaning up puke, ya, whoever tells you having children is fun has a fucking nanny or is on Valium or something let’s just get that straight. Kids are a blessing, they’re the most precious thing in the world, but they’re also fucking exhausting. 

When you become a mom you look in the mirror and often see a stranger. You wake up one morning it’s like u got a handful of wrinkles from no where, your skin is dull, your hair is greasy and tangled, And that’s more than likely cause you’re so busy taking care of mini you that you completely forget personal upkeep, probably haven’t washed your hair for a week, when was the last time you had a facial? ( a what now?)

Exactly

So I’m gonna look at anti aging products and procedures in depth and see what works best 🙂  I’ll keep you informed on the latest beauty tips and tricks. I’ll discuss fitness and health, also try and help all you busy folks (moms and non moms) on how to make it in this insane economy, including excellent home cooking from home on dime 🙂 and let’s not forget fashion and the good old world controversy’s I see happening everywhere, I’m not gonna lie world, parts of you are really starting to piss me off. And we’re gonna hear all about it shortly! 

Anyway, this sassy mom is back and ready to hit up Calgary with a whole new perspective, that from not just a model, not just a person who suffers mental illness, but also from that of a mom, someone who has given life and works to sustain that and others in the home 🙂 
I missed you guys, let’s do this

Hair by Alice and Lisa from Hair Booth

Makeup by Mariam Akbar


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I’m sick of this shit 

Welcome to 2017. The height of the liberal movements. Where everyone has rights and everyone has a voice. Thanks to social media, I’ve found my voice becoming more and more quiet.

Why?

Because I’m white, so my opinion is biased, and apparently I’m entitled… (white privilege??? I wish that had stopped all those years of bullying, I wish that had kept the dog from tearing my face apart, I wish it had kept my brain from developing ptsd, but yet this privilege for me was nothing but a stereotype) 

Because I’m a model, so apparently I have no empathy for other body types, so I’m just another skinny bitch (many in my family battle weight issues, and I just had a baby. But by all means, give me dirty looks and call me a skinny bitch cause obviously I have no idea how to lose weight…) 

Because I’m open, I share my heart on my sleeve, but you only seek to destroy it. 

We’ve given everyone a voice, but have you read the comment sections on social media posts? They are ripe with offences. Hate, fear, negativity, but who polices that? Who stops the hate until it’s too late? How many more sensitive young souls are going to be destroyed by some cowards rants behind a screen?

How do we make sure we actually have rights for all? 

Why is it ok for someone of another race to call me a honky or white trash? Does anyone ever care to ask someone who looks white what their nationality truly is? I’m half Mediterranean, Maltese people have dark hair, olive skin and dark eyes, but yet, u still ignorantly call me white. 

I’m straight, but if u don’t know me then suddenly I’m a homophobe…. some of my best friends are gay, but you wouldn’t know that when all you do is spit hate from your sad soul….
What I’m saying is we opened Pandora’s box when we started Facebook, twitter, instagram, social media in general. The world has gone mad with variety and overstimulation. It’s rights for all yet rights for none. If u don’t stand out, have different colour skin or identify with a different sexuality you’re basically a racist, old school asshole and your opinion isn’t welcome. 

I encourage everyone to share their opinions on posts, what I would like to see is an end to this trolling. People looking to start fights or say something negative about other people’s opinions. I’m sick of the “debate”. Make your own comment. Don’t reply and start wars. Make your comment and walk away. You don’t know what others are going through. You’re not god, so don’t judge. 

I can tell you all where to put your opinionated debates, and it coincides with what u sit on…
If you don’t get what im saying here:

I’m “white”. I’m thin. I’m a model. I’m straight.

I’m actually mix race, I’ve lost 50lbs one time and 30lbs recently, I tried for years to be a model but got turned down for the other unique girls (White girls get the lowest pool when it comes to modelling, they’re done with Barbie they want unique) so when I did succeed it certainly had nothing to do with privilege. I’m straight, but many of my friends are gay, trans, bi, and I love them all to pieces. My friends are a rainbow of colours. 

But to me they are simply people. I’m not bothered by what you identify as at all, just be a good person and I will too in return. I want equal rights for all. Straight up equality. I’m done with this one gets this and this one gets that. 

Equal

Everyone 

And if ur filled with hate don’t spew it in the comment section, go see a fucking counsellor or try yoga.

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