Are You Mental?

Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a mental illness? Or even worse (which is most of us) a few mental illnesses running a muck on your scattered little brain?

PTSD, depression, and a dose of masochistic personality disorder and you got me! Literally a hot mess.

Yes. I take meds. No, I can’t function without them. Have I tried? Sure have! Some I came off of, but when you produce little to no serotonin it’s hard to be a fucking cheerleader all the time… In fact, I literally haven’t felt fearless and happy since I was 10. And I remember that feeling cause I beat up the school bully, and the world was mine. No one would dare hurt me and I had tons of friends.

The more we moved, the more people I met, and the more people I met the more trouble I found. And once in the pits of hell with all the scum and filth I associated with, slowly but surely they ripped away almost all the essence of me that was good.

A couple of months ago I remembered who I was. And i miss her so much and I want to be her again.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE A MODEL AND BE TERRIFIED OF THE WORLD!!!!!! ??????

I bet you think the world is my oyster. You might even think I have talent.

You think i can tell myself that??? Nope! All my brain ever tells me is “you’re not good enough” “you can’t do it” “they’ll hurt you” “you’ll fail again”
And those are just the mild thoughts.

Ever been waiting for someone and they’re late and u worry what happened to them? I DO IT EVERY DAY ALL DAY.

I’m so wrought with anxiety that I can’t even eat a normal schedule of meals, my immune system is a joke, I’m always sick, always in the bathroom… Headaches, headaches, headaches.

So how do we break the cycle???
Shut down and heal yourself!!! And stop putting ourselves out there for people to like cause if you’re anything like me the first thing u think anyways is “they won’t like me. They’ll judge me” so. It’s not healthy to avoid people but it’s also not healthy to live in fear. About time I babied myself I suppose… I have no idea how to… So I guess we’ll go back to basics. And If that’s the case…

Carolynne…

Assume the fetal position…

.

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This entry was posted in addiction, anxiety, beauty, boyfriend, brunette, bullying, calgary, canada, child, childhood, children, classy, commonsense, confidence, control, crazy, death, depression, derranged, devastation, disturbing, dogattack, girlproblems, hope, identity, improvise, individuality, insecurity, likes, masochistic personality disorder, mentalhealth, model, modeling, nerd, nervous, overwhelmed, psychotic, PTSD, responsibility, sales, society, truth, Uncategorized, writer and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Are You Mental?

  1. Initiator ;-) says:

    ooohhhh..how snowy season..and you… 😉
    hot…!Great

    Like

  2. Thanks for sharing this. When you put yourself out there, even if depression is not a factor, there is a real probability that some won’t like it. That is the risk of leaving the fetal position. I think we all share that fear of failure and sympathize with your plight. I know it doesn’t help, but you are not alone.

    Like

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