I stand in the shower, naked and numb. Not just from some unearthly cold, but also inside my soul. One by one my feelings of trust in humanity deplete. And I’m left shivering under the boiling waters embrace as it scalds my skin in an effort to evoke a feeling.
I feel like I’m becoming robotic. I’m programming this outside self of confidence while inside the serpent that is this disease seeps into my brain like sickness for which there is no cure. Just perpetual torture.
It doesn’t matter what happened great in the day, or how much I smiled or something made me laugh, inevitably I end up “focusing on the negative” (as my therapist says) and am pulled into a state of melancholy.
There aren’t enough psychotropic pills in the world to keep my brain satisfied. So what will? Is there ever an end in sight to this madness?