There is no worse celebration, for someone who has recently had their heart crushed, than valentines day. The week leading up to it everyone’s conversations are filled with the topic, “what’s your plans for valentines?” “Did anyone get you anything nice?”
When I awoke this morning I had a valentines text from my grandma and my best friend. I looked up at my Russian blue cat, shady, and said “will you be my valentine shady?” and he cuddled me, and with that I probably felt more alone… Even the cat knew I needed comforting.
On my way into the city I saw possibly the worst reminder of heart break. Some lovely man had placed a banner over deerfoot trail saying “Kristy sager will you marry me?” And when I read that, I pulled over, and started to cry.
I sometimes feel like I can’t be loved. As if you could only love me like we love the sunshine, we admire her from afar but up close she would incinerate us. Is that what I am? Merely a figure to be loved but not to be in love with? Will I ever find wholesome, non destructive love? Or am I destined to walk this earth a tortured, broken doll in pursuit of the one thing I cannot posses without it self destructing?
Bruno Mars says it well,
oh I still dream of a simple life, boy meets girl makes her his wife, but love don’t exist when you live like this that much I know, yes I know”