Most of you have no clue what I go through on a daily basis, or worse what I felt last nightEdit. The things that go through my head are not healthy thoughts, I know this, and sometimes no amount of cognitive behavioural therapy or anti psychotic medication can right the wrong.
A good friend invited me to a party. He’s the only person I feel safe 95% of the time I’m with him. But… The second I heard the howl of strangers having fun and partying (which would be a sirens call for most young people to join in the shenanigans…) my stomach began to twitch, my heart raced and I felt like I was going to pass out. It took me 40mins before I got the guts up to message him and ask him to call me so I could explain what was happening. He seemed dismayed but was understanding about how I felt.
After I hung up I felt both relieved and revolted. Relieved because I had saved myself from having to breach my comfort zone, revolted because I’ve become so weak to the point I’m terrified of perfect strangers. Anywhere that could possibly hold some form of danger sends red flags and sirens in my brain. I become paralyzed, petrified, unable to focus on anything except the accelerated heart rate and the sudden nausea, then mixed with the understanding that if I need to be sick, I don’t think my legs will move and I’ll just end up sitting here being sick over myself.
I didn’t let it get that far. I sat still in my vintage wingback chair and took deep breaths. I managed to curb some of the anxiety but the feeling of disdain for my inability to socialize still leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
What I would give to trust people without any prior prejudice or feeling of fear.
I am a prisoner of my own mind. This is something I have come to live with. And I hate it….