About 3 months ago I discovered, to my shock, that I was pregnant. This is how I found out, and how it’s affected me since.
I went to my doctors because I felt the PTSD surging with a vengeance. I have never felt so worthless, a part of me even contemplated ending it all. I told the doctor this and she put me on 48hr watch. The night before my follow up appointment I made a hot turkey sandwich and the smell made me vomit. I conveyed this experience to my mum who in turn said, ” Carolynne, are you sure you’re not pregnant?” My response was an angry and emotional one, “mum, you know full well the docs said I would never get pregnant, don’t be cruel, a pregnancy test is the one test I can’t pass you know that! I’m probably going to be checked into a mental hospital it’s never been this bad before!” Despite my judgements, when I went to the doc the next morning, I asked the receptionist to run a pregnancy test, the whole while thinking, “the test you never pass so might as well get it for free instead of wasting yet another $20 on disappointment.”
I took the test and waited in the office. My doctor is usually very prompt, so when I waited 40mins for someone to come in I started to worry. Low and behold the doctor came in and said, “well now we know why you’re extra emotional, congratulations you’re pregnant!”
I sat with my mouth wide open in shock. My boyfriend and I hadn’t exactly planned for this to happen, in fact nothing in my life was prepared for this bombshell news. I always thought I would jump for joy upon hearing this news, instead there was a flood of thoughts as my mouth stayed gaping wide. After a few minutes of silence the doctor said, “ok, I can see you’re in shock, let’s talk through it.” Another 40 mins later and I was on the phone to my mum explaining what had happened. They thought because my last cycle was in November that I was 8 weeks pregnant. I went straight to prep for the hair show I was to be in that day, and mulled over how exactly I was going to explain this to my boyfriend.
I went to his house looking like this…
I sat in my car playing, “unsteady,” by the X ambassadors 3 times before I got the guts up to tell my man. When he opened the door he knew immediately something was wrong, so I asked him to sit down with me. I burst into tears and told him what had happened. He was just as shocked as I was, but assured me we’d make it through this.
I had gone for my initial blood test and the doc called me in for a follow up. According to my cycle, I should’ve been 8 weeks, but my Hcg was only 73. The doctor explained that he thought I had what is known as a missed abortion, and I was to go for 6more hcg tests. If the number hasn’t risen that would indicate I had lost it. I cried my eyes out telling my boyfriend my next biggest fear, that my body had rejected it and I was literally good for nothing. I went for my test and the number rose to 934! By the end of the tests it was close to 60,000. So I hadn’t, in fact lost it, but thanks to PCOS the dates were way off. I was only 3 weeks pregnant, not 8. But I still wasn’t out of the woods yet.
Girls with PCOS are high risk for miscarriages, preeclampsia, and missed abortions, I was on strict orders to take care of myself and avoid any excess stress. (That’s a bit hard when you have PTSD) also I had to come off my meds and caffeine…
Fast forward 2 months, I had moved in with my boyfriend, gained a step son, quit my job (I was being bullied by my boss so that had to go) and had turned my life around a full 180. I noticed my heart would race occasionally and I thought that was normal… I had two dizzy spells where I almost blacked out, then at my fitting for MAKEFASHION I had a bad attack. While standing in my dress that I wasn’t allowed to bend in I felt the ears ringing, dizziness come on and thought, “it will go away, just focus Carolynne.” That was the last thought I had before I woke up on the floor. I heard girls voices and thought, “why are girls at my boyfriends house?” As my vision started to clear I realized I was not at home with my boyfriend, I was at my designers house, on the floor, I had collapsed and fainted. When I went to my doctor my resting heart rate was 130bpm, blood pressure 103/74 (low for me, I’m always 120/80) I was told I was experiencing tachycardia and was referred to the cardiology clinic at the hospital to have a 24hr heart monitor put on. Since then I have worked hard to minimize my stress levels and do deep breathing exercises. No word yet on why exactly it was happening, but I’m almost certain with PTSD It was due to stress. I’m now 4 months and still working hard to maintain my health and the health of my unborn child, but anyone else with PCOS and/or PTSD will tell you this is hard work. However, in 5 months I’m sure it will all be worth it. IM PREGNANT WITH MY FIRST CHILD!!!!!!!!!
Ice queen photo Courtesy of Cowboys Calgary
Body paint by Lianne Frances
Hair by Justin Hammer-Ng
(Hair booth Calgary)