Everyone says your whole life will change when you have a baby. And they’re right…
For me I’m still in shock. I mean, considering everything that’s wrong with me, this little one has held on 6months and 2 weeks so far, she could technically be born today and have a decent chance of survival (better in a few weeks or rather, full term).
Since finding out I was pregnant I got my ass into gear. I quit all my medications for sake of the baby. I’d be lying if I said it’s not a struggle. My anxiety is through the roof. I worry about shit I’ve never even considered! How many germs are on a public change table? High chair? Mall floor? I watch how other children behave and think of how I would discipline or negotiate that behaviour. I worry about SIDS, infections, someone hurting her. She’s not even here yet and these are just the beginning. I worry about how to make the perfect cupcake. I worry I was too much of a tomboy growing up and such am making an effort to actively learn more makeup and hair skills so my little girl looks cute and stylish.
I worry about my looks… Now I know most of you who’ve had a child can back me up here. Our bodies, that were once so petite, have morphed into the mothership and now we have a protruding belly that soon spontaneously jumps in areas with no provocation. I mean it’s one of the greatest, and strangest feelings in the world. This little being, this little you and your partner, is just churning around in there, pushing and kicking and swishing around. But then, at the same time, say goodbye to your favourite clothes, shoes (farewell Ivanka trump shoes, I’ll catch u next summer 😦 )
If you’re anything like me you’ll be needing a makeup bag near by. They say it’s an old wives tale that female babies steal your beauty… Well this one is siphoning it out of me. I don’t feel pretty unless I paint my face right up, I definitely didn’t get that pregnancy glow.
But there’s something unique about carrying a baby. It’s like they already know you and understand you. If I’m sad, she starts to kick and I calm down. Despite hating that I lost my cute abs, I sit/stand there, rubbing my belly like I’m a god damn Buddha statue. It feels so cool. And sometimes she can feel my hand and touches it from inside. It’s terrifying. It’s amazing. I’m filled with fear and the most joy I have ever felt.
So while I wait to meet my little princess, I’ll sit outside on the deck, listen to the birds chirp and write this, as id be a fool to think moments this peaceful will continue after the baby’s here.
To my daughter: It’s the homestretch now my little love, I’ll meet you at the finish line, daddy will be there too, and we’ll start a whole new journey. I love you more than anything in the world.